there's a first for everything

here's to putting thoughts on the computer for the first time in two and a half years.
and drawings.
and poetry.
and pictures.
and life.

that's to be displayed on here too, right?

life...

oh, new york city life. my how i've experienced you.

i hope you went outside tonight, because the weather was some of the best thus far. and i've settled tonight on the idea that i think it's okay that there aren't any stars visible in this city. leaves room for my imagination. & since i have excused myself from painting for some (x) amount of time, I can now create as many stars in my mind as i would like, and use that as my contribution to art. gives my thoughts something to focus on, as well. [fills this void that the 8 million/10/12 million people have a hard time reaching. myself included] and it's not that i disregard their existence. the people, i mean. because, to be honest, every time i step out of my bedroom, out the front door, i can't help but invest a lot of energy into the people who walk by. how BEAUTIFUL!

and unsure.
and ambitious.
and how completely filled with every emotion is every person (again, myself included) on the streets in new york city.

being here has really triggered my need for growth. and has helped in a lot of ways. experimentation. isn't that what a lot of life is? experimentation?
love! culture! religion! style! even down to the simple way we carry ourselves.
sometimes i wonder how i come across to others, but humph. who doesn't?
i hope with all my might that i can be nothing short of a lending heart to someone. anyone.
this city can be lonely, and being here six months i can say it simply hasn't lost that capability. the days have been filled with triumphs and failures, some of which i will never forget & all which i will place into special compartments and acknowledge that i am who i am today because of these experiences://experimentation.



i've experienced courtship with others involving love...and i have grown to know that being in love with love can be the biggest barrier between two hearts. when too in love with the idea of love, i have found that love rather than selfless, becomes selfish & love cannot survive on a want for perfection. love can, however, survive on chances with fear, no rules, acceptance, give & take, ROMANCE/PASSION!, and the knowledge that love for comfort is not the same as comfort from love. i've struggled many days in my time here, trying to figure out why there is such a need for comfort and such a lack of substantial time spent in this comfort. i, too, have been victim of this, and thus, i am now a different person than i was when i was living days in illinois. but a different person with an understanding of what i don't want out of love. i know that i want something that i need, and not lust which is a want. i know that i need patience, and that love is not blind when patience and time and an understanding of health are taken into consideration. some loves, those true ones, don't last forever. and for as many times as i have gone back & forth about whether or not i believe it to be real if it fades, i have decided that love is love and no one can tell you differently if you feel it. it's like when i hadn't experienced an orgasm yet, and i remember how intense my curiosity got. i asked my friends to tell me how i would know when i got one, and the only response i ever received was, "you'll know it when you feel it."

and you'll know it when you feel it. and it's one of those mind blowing feelings that makes you forget that anything else exists. and makes you never forget who made you feel it for the first time.

(love, not the orgasm.)

(but, yes, that too.)

the point is, companionship is not for those who refuse to understand the balance of selfless/selfish mindsets and what it really takes to paint the stars in the sky.