what an infinite possibility lies in the direction today will head. i have been [growing] accustom to the little things that i allowed myself to be a part of not too long ago. those things that make you forget what your purpose is . what your heart is saying. what your mind is thinking. it's really something how lost i became without even wanting to get out. NOT WANTING TO CHANGE these negative ways!
or rather than change, i failed to want to remember what my heart always spoke of. and that--no matter how many fake "friends" i surrounded myself with. no matter how much i consumed to take me somewhere else. no matter how much i wanted to escape being friends with myself...
i had to listen to what kept resounding in my heart.
it's really hard to be friends with yourself when you don't like who you've become and how people know you. i don't want to have a base of a friendship consist of drunken nights.
while these nights can be amazing, they are not when it becomes the majority of nights and are the only times when conversation is exchanged in person with someone! it's just...not healthy. and i know for me at least...i was filling a void. whether or not i actually knew it. don't you think, when it really boils down to noticing your life is nothing except getting fucked up, that maybe there is something truly missing? that maybe you don't like who you are so you have to alter that to have a good time? that you have to have repetition and comfort in knowing you will see the same people out to know that you are KNOWN! and it's something, because without branching out elsewhere, out of the lower east side, or out of williamsburg or wherever! ...we are all just...acknowledged by our own selves for existing and being who we want to be.
getting so wrapped up in this lifestyle...i had some amazing nights. great conversations were thrown in the mix of bad habits, and memories and growth occurred. but i missed...the little things. having dinner parties at home! sweat pants and hot cocoa mustaches because i drank too much of it! drinking wine & having incredible connection and conversation with someone. i just missed being me. and i'm learning. everyone is until the day we don't exist anymore.
but mostly, i'm learning to be okay with being around myself. this void that i was trying to fill, stems from not knowing how to be around me. this is the first time in a solid 4+ years that i have been without love with another, and it's truly one of the most difficult things to commit to myself. ha! i suppose at this point in life, i am learning to be in a relationship with myself, in a sense. and it's not meant to be selfish, just meant for growth. and for a pure understanding of who i am before i ever give myself to someone again. i guess i'm in a good place right now. or so it's starting to feel.
7 comments:
i think i know how you feel. i've just recently started to weed out the bad people for my life. i say FOR my life because they are not necessarily bad people. i just don't like who i am when i'm with them and i especially don't like the reflection of myself i get from said people. i've started to surround myself with the people whom reflect ME back at ME very well, and hopefully i can return the favor to the
it's a good and bad feeling when this happens--or at least for me it has been.
it's a bit lonely. because there is the realization that it is much more healthy to not call, not ask them to go have dinner, not go out to get a drink. but then, it is so great because it is so healthy.
oh to learn and grow...
=)
New York can be an especially rough place. You are too pretty, sweet and special to let it eat you alive.
You're right, being alone can be lonely, but is more healthy than subscribing to those that are readily available; looking for partners in unhealthy lifestyles.. no matter how harmless they may seem. I'm learning that too.
Not to place negative judgment on others lifestyles, but make the active choice to participate in the one that I know is good for me.
and you should do what you know is best for you! and it sounds like you know!
p.s. I love ryan adams!
i know this is probably random and you don't know me but i stumbled across your blog through myspace. i know what you're going through. its what im going through right now, and its hard trying to put yourself together and trying to make positive changes about yourself when you're so used to how things are now. this blog made me cheer up a lot. thanks for your inspirational words
Great work.
Wow, well said. And a good reminder of pay attention to what's important.
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