candle light yoga, tonight, 7 o' clock

what an infinite possibility lies in the direction today will head. i have been [growing] accustom to the little things that i allowed myself to be a part of not too long ago. those things that make you forget what your purpose is . what your heart is saying. what your mind is thinking. it's really something how lost i became without even wanting to get out. NOT WANTING TO CHANGE these negative ways!

or rather than change, i failed to want to remember what my heart always spoke of. and that--no matter how many fake "friends" i surrounded myself with. no matter how much i consumed to take me somewhere else. no matter how much i wanted to escape being friends with myself...
i had to listen to what kept resounding in my heart.

it's really hard to be friends with yourself when you don't like who you've become and how people know you. i don't want to have a base of a friendship consist of drunken nights.
while these nights can be amazing, they are not when it becomes the majority of nights and are the only times when conversation is exchanged in person with someone! it's just...not healthy. and i know for me at least...i was filling a void. whether or not i actually knew it. don't you think, when it really boils down to noticing your life is nothing except getting fucked up, that maybe there is something truly missing? that maybe you don't like who you are so you have to alter that to have a good time? that you have to have repetition and comfort in knowing you will see the same people out to know that you are KNOWN! and it's something, because without branching out elsewhere, out of the lower east side, or out of williamsburg or wherever! ...we are all just...acknowledged by our own selves for existing and being who we want to be.

getting so wrapped up in this lifestyle...i had some amazing nights. great conversations were thrown in the mix of bad habits, and memories and growth occurred. but i missed...the little things. having dinner parties at home! sweat pants and hot cocoa mustaches because i drank too much of it! drinking wine & having incredible connection and conversation with someone. i just missed being me. and i'm learning. everyone is until the day we don't exist anymore.

but mostly, i'm learning to be okay with being around myself. this void that i was trying to fill, stems from not knowing how to be around me. this is the first time in a solid 4+ years that i have been without love with another, and it's truly one of the most difficult things to commit to myself. ha! i suppose at this point in life, i am learning to be in a relationship with myself, in a sense. and it's not meant to be selfish, just meant for growth. and for a pure understanding of who i am before i ever give myself to someone again. i guess i'm in a good place right now. or so it's starting to feel.

1,2,3,8

tell me, please.
what is under the eyes and the heart and the brain and the ____
that possesses you to (constantly) make me
[melt.]

(and i don't even know you.)

"it's this time of year," she replied, "you know, the 'i'm going to hold you tighter because it's colder and that's what we do in front of fireplaces while drinking hot cocoa and dreaming about how this is never ever ever ever going to end.' and, yeah, that's why."

oh, but for as much as this is luring me, i cannot fall back in.
(fall back into what created my idea of love:lost:ow)
and if i'm jaded then please tell me because for as much as i think i am not, maybe that means i am.

is not having time the excuse, or is it really the reason?
excuse/reason. [difference?]
maybe that all depends on which side of the fence you are on.
you know, the...optimistic/pessimistic perspective PERSUASION shit.

SHIT!

"being alone isn't that bad," i replied, "i guess, well, i mean, who needs another's heart when you have one of your own?"

FALL, please come hither.

i started reading this book called, "women," by charles bukowski.
now, i first thought, YES, amazing deal. i'm in strand bookstore at what? 13th and 4th ave, i think? no, wait, broadway. and this bookstore is one of my favorite places to go hide out in the city. and i found this novel by bukowski! 291 pages for 8 dollars. that's 0.02 cents per page i think. and for as long as i can remember i have loved the intricacies of the way different authors write but i've always loved a good deal. but it's weird, with reading, i mean. i truly do get lost in it, but even! even for as much as i get lost in it, i still have such a hard time finishing a book before i start a new one. i tend to make a [roughly] 50 page dent in it and then wham bam! new book! new author! new everything. maybe that says something about me? or maybe everyone is like that.

(sidenote: atlas by battles just came on my ipod and all i can think about right now is how good of a mood it just put me in and how it makes this vanilla chai tea taste even better, or something.)

(or maybe it just made me remember their live performance and how incredibly captivating it has been every single time.)

(distraction, much?)

BUT THIS BOOK! ------>


is amazing. bottom line, amazing. outside of having so many little thoughts running through my head to keep me busy, i also constantly watch people while i'm on the train, and i'm telling you...even when i step off the train...i haven't taken my eyes off the pages of this book.
maybe it's how incredibly brash and blunt he is. maybe it's the fragmented sentences that help me relate because that's how a lot of my thoughts are. fragmented. or something. heck, i think it's even the constant dirty talk that makes my eyes become wide with me thinking, "shit, he really did just write that."



goodnight.

there's a first for everything

here's to putting thoughts on the computer for the first time in two and a half years.
and drawings.
and poetry.
and pictures.
and life.

that's to be displayed on here too, right?

life...

oh, new york city life. my how i've experienced you.

i hope you went outside tonight, because the weather was some of the best thus far. and i've settled tonight on the idea that i think it's okay that there aren't any stars visible in this city. leaves room for my imagination. & since i have excused myself from painting for some (x) amount of time, I can now create as many stars in my mind as i would like, and use that as my contribution to art. gives my thoughts something to focus on, as well. [fills this void that the 8 million/10/12 million people have a hard time reaching. myself included] and it's not that i disregard their existence. the people, i mean. because, to be honest, every time i step out of my bedroom, out the front door, i can't help but invest a lot of energy into the people who walk by. how BEAUTIFUL!

and unsure.
and ambitious.
and how completely filled with every emotion is every person (again, myself included) on the streets in new york city.

being here has really triggered my need for growth. and has helped in a lot of ways. experimentation. isn't that what a lot of life is? experimentation?
love! culture! religion! style! even down to the simple way we carry ourselves.
sometimes i wonder how i come across to others, but humph. who doesn't?
i hope with all my might that i can be nothing short of a lending heart to someone. anyone.
this city can be lonely, and being here six months i can say it simply hasn't lost that capability. the days have been filled with triumphs and failures, some of which i will never forget & all which i will place into special compartments and acknowledge that i am who i am today because of these experiences://experimentation.



i've experienced courtship with others involving love...and i have grown to know that being in love with love can be the biggest barrier between two hearts. when too in love with the idea of love, i have found that love rather than selfless, becomes selfish & love cannot survive on a want for perfection. love can, however, survive on chances with fear, no rules, acceptance, give & take, ROMANCE/PASSION!, and the knowledge that love for comfort is not the same as comfort from love. i've struggled many days in my time here, trying to figure out why there is such a need for comfort and such a lack of substantial time spent in this comfort. i, too, have been victim of this, and thus, i am now a different person than i was when i was living days in illinois. but a different person with an understanding of what i don't want out of love. i know that i want something that i need, and not lust which is a want. i know that i need patience, and that love is not blind when patience and time and an understanding of health are taken into consideration. some loves, those true ones, don't last forever. and for as many times as i have gone back & forth about whether or not i believe it to be real if it fades, i have decided that love is love and no one can tell you differently if you feel it. it's like when i hadn't experienced an orgasm yet, and i remember how intense my curiosity got. i asked my friends to tell me how i would know when i got one, and the only response i ever received was, "you'll know it when you feel it."

and you'll know it when you feel it. and it's one of those mind blowing feelings that makes you forget that anything else exists. and makes you never forget who made you feel it for the first time.

(love, not the orgasm.)

(but, yes, that too.)

the point is, companionship is not for those who refuse to understand the balance of selfless/selfish mindsets and what it really takes to paint the stars in the sky.